On Eat Pray Love, and some more randomness

Today I saw Eat Pray Love. I was in Europe when this came out, so no chance for me to see it until now. I heard most English movies were dubbed in Italian (how boring is that?!) so I never bothered checking it out.



As was said in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, we all experience "chronic dissatisfaction" at some point in our lives. Sadly, not all of us can channel the Elizabeth Gilbert decisiveness. She's as strong as can be, if you asked me. Most people, despite being unhappy, choose to remain so because they are clouded with fear and anxiety. Not all of us were born gamblers... and those who were, fail half the time. Which is why Liz, though really admirable, projects a fairytale-ish aura to me. But even so, it may just be my fear talking. It's sad how sure I am that I'm not capable of doing what she did. It speaks poorly of me, I know.

I couldn't say a lot about the rest of the other themes though, coz I think religion is something too personal to even tackle in such public forum (although in previous entries there had been attempts by me). Moreover, my background about the practice in India goes way too far (high school) to even remember who taught it.

***

As for the rest of my day, nothing much happened. I wanted to believe I led an interesting life, but there is no way to justify that based on how monotonous everyday has become for me.

I want a new hobby, but most I could think of get smashed right away because of my kaartehan.

I refuse to go to the gym because there's none within walking distance from the house. I don't like to work on handicraft for my eyes are exclusively reserved for the computer to damage. I can't make full songs because I still don't know how to play the guitar, even if there's one collecting dust in my room. Pets are not allowed because of my allergies. Guys either, coz I'm in the closet at least at home.

So there you go. Another my life in a nutshell moment.

Feel free to make it interesting though. I badly need more out of the short time I have left.

An unfinished song to an unfinished love story

I love writing song lyrics when I'm depressed. I usually get in the mood after midnight, when most people in whatever time zone I am in are asleep. Not that I'm nocturnal that way, but maybe it's after this time (when all my feelings, no matter how bitter and morbid, are at bay) that I get to reflect on my life experiences. However, in the 5 or so songs I've made, none ever felt worthy of sharing. Perhaps it's insecurity talking but I'm guessing they're still not good enough. Maybe I need to get my heart broken a few more times to harness  more the potential brilliant banters and ideas in my head.


Months ago, however, I started scribbling words on Notepad and before I knew it, I had a few usable lines. But despite spending 5 hours on it, I never got to finish it. It's about someone I really like, and I wanted to show this to him on Valentine's Day. Hopefully I'd get this done before dawn coz I have some serious business to attend to in the morning. I certainly can't do it during the day; there's just too many interruptions.

In honor of tomorrow's love fest, I'm sharing some lines in the chorus of this unnamed song. I hope you like it, and ultimately, I hope he loves it.

"Am hoping you're ready for love coz it has been ready for you
When you kissed me in your car that day, at that moment, I just knew
One arm on the stirring wheel, the other pulling me towards you
With eyes closed, lips locked, for the first time, I felt your heart spoke true
You love me but all this feeling was to you, so new.
Even so, hear me baby; I know you'll make it through
And I will absolutely, patiently, be waiting for you."

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!

One month to go

A month from now I'd probably be packing suitcases and bidding people farewell. If this were like any of the travels I've made in the past, I would most definitely be thrilled. However, this will be different coz for the first time ever, I would only be holding a one-way ticket. And for the first time as well, I am not excited about leaving.

How could you be when you've got... no clue on when you'd come home, no clue on how you'd live away from the people you love, no clue on how other people would treat you and no clue on how I'd survive working? When I was younger, living elsewhere but here was all I ever thought about. To this day I still see more opportunities outside the country, but now that I am getting closer to fulfilling my dreams the gravity of what I'm going against is finally dawning on me. My only comfort is in knowing that everyone who has left home has experienced this kind of anxiety. I am not alone even though I am, technically.

Unlike this, my past travels went through a series of steps. You pack enough clothes and whatnot for a specified number of days, tell people you would be back on a certain date, spend an identified number of nights outside your home, fly back the day you're supposed to, and come home to normalcy. Everything was laid out and predictable. In this situation however, nothing is.

Should I bring all my clothes or should I just buy them when I get there? What will I tell my very old grandma if she asks if I'd be home for her birthday in May? Will I get by without my favorite blanket and kissing my parents every night before going to bed? Will I be able to spend Christmas with my family in December?


All these questions hit me in the most random moments everyday. And as I try to ponder on these I've discovered not answers but more questions. I am well aware, however, that nothing can be done right now.

One of the greatest threats in human sanity is the loss of stability whether be it in relationships with people or in ways of living. No adjustment or transition has ever been smoothly executed; frequent up and downhills are always expected. But seriously, we can really do nothing. It's just like river rafting where the best way to get through it is to close one's eyes and imagine a more controlled environment, to hold onto whatever it is you can hold onto, to scream as needed, and to pray that everything would go on smoothly. Hopefully, before we even notice, it's done.

Sometimes, I really hate how much of a control freak I really am.

All I Gave You Was Goodbye

Music has been my constant companion and even though the world has changed so much, our relationship stayed the same. I have been singing for as long as I could speak... and haven't stopped since. Through the lessons provided by songs, which are practically bits and pieces of other people's lives, I learned how to live mine. Everyone I ever knew would someday leave, but I know in my heart music never would.

Which brings me to you, the only person I was never true to about myself...  even if you were the only one I ever loved.


Yes, I was that cruel. And because of that, you ran away... not on your own, but with someone else. You didn't even look back even if you knew I wanted you to.

We were still in school when this happened so encounters were impossible to avoid, but in those rare moments I had with you, I never had the courage to tell you how sorry I was that night I drove you out the door.

But even if you knew, would it still matter? I already lost you. No reset button for that one.


Three years after, I came across this song and all of a sudden, I found my heart filling up with thoughts of you. Not of love, per se, but more of the memory of what we had. I wanted to sing you this hoping I could put some closure on my end. You liked my voice anyway.

But I know it won't happen. And I know you won't listen. But if we meet again, I won't care. This is something you need to know.

Taylor Swift
Back To December

I'm so glad, you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family.
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever.
We small talk, work and the weather.
Your guard is up and I know why.

Coz the last time you saw me still burned in the back of my mind.
You gave me roses but I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you,
Saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I realized what I had when you were mine.
And I go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.


These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, I didn't call.
And when I think about summer all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing on the passenger side, and realized I loved you in the fall.
But when the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind,
You gave me all your love but all I gave you was goodbye.

So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you,
Saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I realized what I had when you were mine.
And I go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right.
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
the first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.


So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you,
Saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I realized what I had when you were mine.
And I go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around, and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.

:-(


To music and to Taylor Swift, thank you for putting melody and lyrics to my voiceless heart.

Taking the Easy Way Out

This morning, I woke up to a busier than the usual 9AM Facebook feed where a lot of my contacts were reacting to Angelo Reyes' apparent suicide in a cemetery which isn't new to me (the last death in the family was a grandaunt's, and she was laid to rest there). Of course, I was stunned (Who wouldn't be, minutes after waking up?), but at the back of my mind, I was a little bit disappointed.

How can justice be delivered if he wouldn't be here to undergo trial? I believe our justice system deserves a win even just for redemption's sake. The public trust in the judiciary has long been stained and honestly, it would take a case this big to win back at least a few people's hearts. That is, if he were truly guilty.


Don't get me wrong; I am fully aware of the concept of divine justice, which God probably already has delivered to him by now. But wouldn't it set a good example to the ever-dirty military if those involved would get exactly what they deserve?


What he did this morning probably was an admission of guilt so the investigation should push through now, more than ever. If he had a clear conscience from the beginning, he couldn't have been troubled enough to take his own life. If the accusations made against him were true, then he has sinned not only God but also his people. However, I do not believe in death as a punishment. So it's an extremely delicate and sad situation, and it is very unfortunate that his fate ended this way. I personally pray for the eternal repose of his soul and for the health of those he had left behind.


I just hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for.


As for the government, may this set as a haunting example of just how money and politics can destroy people's lives.

we have to LIVE with EVIL

It has been said countless of times that the innocence in a child's eyes is both a wonder and a blessing we often wish wouldn't change. However, we all know that this is impossible for the environment and man's very nature force us to be exposed to things that break our innocence. Thus, the end of innocence is the beginning of evil. So sometimes, when I am deeply troubled and perplexed, I wish this weren't the case. A life without pain, guilt, suffering, and anxiety, who doesn't want it?

I know you're probably thinking, "Maybe he should just commit suicide," because that's something only heaven can provide. But what about the term heaven on earth? Should we be banned from experiencing this besides the occasional few minutes here and there? Should this just remain a promise while we're living?

We make our own happiness, and we can choose to remain innocent. But the fact that we know evil means we're corruptible and in a world where it is within reach, who is saved from temptation?  Really, who is?

Everyday, our battle with evil challenges us, and how we play and make decisions define us. This is, unfortunately, a life-long struggle we have to endure. Many times, we will fall short of our expectations and will wallow in misery (just like what I'm doing right now), but in these times we have to remember those moments we've won. These little victories will keep us sane and hopeful that the battle would someday end. Not with death, but hopefully with salvation.

Hold on tight and never let go

Music is universal. And even though we are divided by the language we speak, music transgresses beyond what lyrics can convey. This is through the melody, which I like to call a song's heart. And once the singer breathes life to the song, the melody-singer combo forms harmony.

Harmony is difficult to achieve because each person involved is an element. Naturally, the more elements present at the same time, the harder it is to attain balance. Having been a member of a choral group in the past, I can say that this is precisely why singing solo is much easier than singing with a group.

However, we also have duets, which to me is the trickiest. It may not be as complicated as in a choir, but when the blending is off, it won't ever work. Which is probably why we rarely see duos in the music industry - finding the voice to perfectly compliment yours is almost impossible.

But of course, there are some who defy this. Like Rob Bowlin and Chelsee Oaks. And if this weren't enough an achievement already, they used to be in love! It's music and love, two of the most beautiful things God has made for us, in one. What more could they ask for?

Kung sila pa rin hanggang ngayon, sa sobrang tindi ng tamis at cheesiness na dala nila, panigurado taob na ang world hunger!

We are just unfortunate to have found out about them only after they've broken up. But who knows, right? Love like this doesn't come around that often, if they even do at all. They should hold onto it and never let go.

At mukhang sa itsurang iyon ni Rob Bowlin, alam na alam niya to. ^_^

How selfish should we be?

       Let's admit it... We all tend to be selfish sometimes. But if I were being brutally honest, I'd say it's our right as individuals desperate to realize one's aspirations. Besides our faith, our dreams are the only thing we can own. It is immune to persuasion and intimidation. We cannot lose them for as long as we want to keep them.

       So the question now is - how selfish should we really be in getting what we want?

       I know people who'd gone great lengths to realize their dreams, sometimes even in expense of their peers. They'd utilized tricks like defamation and blackmail, to name a few. Others had gone as far as manipulation and deceit. While observers try to rationalize these people's motivations and subsequent actions, I usually just go back to a humane principle I've always tried to live with despite immense difficulty to uphold: Selfishness for oneself should harm no one but the self.

       I pity those who'd gone too far beyond the limits imposed by morality. Even though what we aspire for would seem to make us whole, no one deserves to get hurt. To win by breaking this rule is not victory at all.

       Right now, if you were to ask yourself, are you one of these people who play by their own rules? 

       I know I am. And maybe that's why I still haven't forgiven myself.

1st

Photo not mine

     For some time now I've had feelings in my chest that needed to come out, and since everyone around me has been very busy getting on with their lives there's pretty much nobody I could talk to. Probably in this blog there wouldn't be anyone either, but my thoughts need an outlet so WTH. I'm letting whoever comes across this be my confidant... my person.

***

     I am male, 22, single and hoping for love. I've had my share of flings here and there but what I've never experienced is an actual commitment with somebody. My undying need to love and be loved back has never been met so despite all the people around me I still feel isolated and left out. Sure, friends and food come in handy when I'm alone, but do they really make up for what I don't have?

     I was always somebody who waited to get noticed and never made the first move. Putting myself out there was not my forte, and even though at times I had urges to take the lead, I chickened out and retreated. Shy with a tinge of shame is how I would describe it. I know there isn't anything to be embarrassed about, but something in me tells me finding love shouldn't be like that. Perhaps it's principles, but it can also be a lack of self-esteem.

     With my identity concealed here, I feel more comfortable now. This blog is not about flaunting and trying to be noticed but rather about a first in series of steps I need to take to establish self-awareness... and hopefully in the process, to find someone I could share valuable insights about life and love with.

     Forgive me if this makes no sense but I guess this is a reflection of how confused I am right now. As much as I want to make sense of how I feel, this is all I could give at the moment. But to say that writing this was a time I wasted would be incorrect, as I feel a little better now than how I felt while filling out the blog details while registering. And I guess that's what matters. =)

    To you, whoever you are (preferably a cute, single guy LOL), thank you for wasting some time with me. And please do more from time to time. ^_^